Celebrity Chef Cookoffs: Nigella Gags on Ramsay’s Spotted Dick

Newcastle, AP – An exciting evening here at the Celebrity Chefs Cookoff as the remaining finalists, Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay, sought to outdo one another in the “Desserts” round of the competition. Beforehand, Ramsey commented “This is a big night for me, yeh? I’m bound to win: I’ve chosen to give the judges my Spotted Dick! Can I just say that I’ve never, ever, in all my years as a chef, cooked with such a bunch of tossers, wankers, bastards and cunts.” (The rest of his remarks are unprintable.) Oliver was similarly confident: “I’ll be cooking a Bombe Surprise, packed with Smarties and McNuggets. The kids love it: I just know the judges will, too.”

The chefs had an hour in which to prepare their dishes. They were only allowed to dirty one saucepan, one spoon, and a teacup, and were not permitted to clatter any items of cookware, slam any drawers, or otherwise “exaggerate their activity”.

The completed dishes were tasted and judged by the Celebrity Panel – Julia Child, Nigella Lawson and Emeril. Unhappily for Ramsay, Nigella choked on his Dick. “Where I come from, Dick is supposed to be sweet, not salty. This one is far too salty, and not nearly sweet enough. It’s also too tough. It should be as sweet, soft and satisfying as my Summer Puddings.” she explained. The other judges were in agreement: Emeril described Ramsay’s Dick as “a fuckin’ monstrosity.” and Julia Child dismissed it as “not very nice”.

A disappointed Ramsay said afterwards “Nigella’s Avocado and Bacon Encrusted Sweet Honey Pot is a secret weakness of mine, so this a major blow.”

Next round of the competition: “Stuffing”

(Also at The Spoof)

Hell’s Kitchen

Scene: A large restaurant kitchen with lots of aluminium pots and pans strewn about, steam rising from some of them, and six frantic looking individuals chopping vegetables and/or in tears.

At the front stands Chef Ramsay. He’s wearing a chest-hugging white tunic, his boyish blond hair coiffed into an artificially wind-tousled mess, his legs are akimbo, his arms folded. He looks displeased and ruggedly handsome.

Chef Ramsay: Melissa! MELISSA! STOP RIGHT NOW! NNNNNNOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
Melissa: Yes, chef
Ramsay: You cloth-eared fucking bint. “Yes chef, no chef, three bags full chef!”. Come HERE!
Melissa: Yes, chef.
Ramsay: Leave the sodding saucepan. LEAVE IT!
Melissa: Yes, chef.
Ramsay (putting his face right up to Melissa’s): What the sweet Jesus is that on your lower lip?
Melissa: A cold sore, chef.
Ramsay: Get rid of it. NOW!
Melissa (runs off): Yes, chef.

Sounds of crashing pots and pans. Somebody sets fire to a large tray of Beef Wellingtons.

Ramsay: What’s happening? Is that the Wellingtons? Oh my GOD!
Ramsay (kicking bins): STOP! STOP! NOW! Red and Blue teams, come here.

The six assemble in front of Ramsay.

Ramsay: Rock! You’re a wanker, aren’t you?
Rock: Yes, chef.
Ramsay: Bonnie!
Bonnie: Yes, chef?
Ramsay: You’re an ugly cow who can’t cook.
Bonnie(bursting into tears): Yes, chef.
Ramsay: Josh!
Josh: Yes, chef?
Ramsay: I have never been so embarrassed to stand in the same room as a piece of low life cunt as you. Get OUT!
Josh: I’m sorry chef.
Ramsay: GET OUT!
Josh (hurrying out): Yes, chef.

An awkward silence falls over the remaining group.

Ramsay: Blue Team. You were bad. Really bad. Fucking bad. But you weren’t as bad as the Red Team! They were fucking astonishingly CRAP! So you’re going to get an amazing reward.
Blue team (in unison, shouting): YES, CHEF!
Ramsay: You are going to eat dinner with me in a restaurant of my choice. God knows I need a decent meal after tasting the fucking EXCREMENT produced here.

Cut to one-on-one camera interview of Josh.

Josh: When Chef Ramsay said we were going to eat at a restaurant with him, I came immediately.

Cut back to kitchen.

Ramsay: Now, Red Team. As your punishment for losing you are going to get the most disgusting job the producer could think of. You’re going to go to every toilet in Hell’s Kitchen, and lick the seats clean with your tongues. And then, when you’re finished, you’re going to beg me for forgiveness. Get going.
Red team (in unison, mumbling): Yes, chef.

Cut to scene of supposedly private quarters of the Red and Blue teams, who are lounging about smoking like chimneys.

Melissa: I love Chef Ramsay and I’m gonna win.
Rock: Guess again. Y’all is going down. I’m in Vegas!
Bonnie (asleep): ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz
Josh: Chef Ramsay gave me a second chance. I’ve never had a bad service. I’m about to show what I know.

End of show credits start to roll. Chef Ramsay’s voice-over starts:

Ramsay: It was a tough week for both teams, and it was tough deciding who was worse. The only reason I’m staying on this crap program is I’m hoping for a taste of Bonnie’s salad bowl.

Great British TV

One of the joys of visiting the UK is watching the telly. Even the adverts are excellent. This one from BT featuring Gordon Ramsay trying to deal with computer equipment is on at the moment, and is laugh out loud funny. Well, I thought so, anyway.